As Deep As Death

After calming the little girl, she fell asleep in my arms. I laid her down on the comforter and left for the night. It was a night of torment. Fake smiles and evil thoughts were all I knew. Loneliness and a solid, untouchable heart was forming. Stone. Make it a stone that I cannot feel, I told myself.

When I arrived back at the house, it was nearly morning and I found the little girl laying in the bed. So much agony this little one caused me, the window to my heart. I will snuff it out, I thought without measuring the repercussions. I placed a pillow over her face and watcher her body flail. Then, when the body had stilled I removed the pillow. The last look of horror on her face was read well, “Why?”

I had soother her and protected her in the night. But in the daylight, I extinguished her light. That little light that shines from my soul. You are no more, little one. No more pain or sorrow. Nothing. I closed my eyes and felt the emptiness inside me grow. I had done something unthinkable. I murdered a piece of myself. What else could I do? I’ve locked her away, I’ve chained her up. But she always gets out. She always tries to return. Her smile is contagious and no one can resist her, not even me.

But now, no one can reach her. I’ve sent her somewhere no one will find her. I cannot even reach her now. I don’t know where parts of you are sent when they die. Only God knows. Perhaps He can fix her, but not with me. I cannot even look upon the face with the twisted terror of her last breath. “No one loves you.” That’s what the pillow said to her as her light was smothered out.

It wasn’t true of course. But she’ll always believe it now, even in death. Because lack of love sent her there. She has been thrown out for the trash collectors to pick up her pretty little corpse. Maybe she’ll look like a once beloved doll that was all used up and then tossed out when no one wanted her anymore. That’s what she is to me now. All used up. I regretted it instantly. But death is irreversible.